Recently, I wrote a blog about the Path of Vulnerability. In an effort to walk my talk and put my discoveries into practice, I opened to creating change within myself. I observed my resistance, reminded myself that I chose happiness, and that being mindful of my feelings of vulnerability could assist me with achieving that more. Things were going well. I even shifted and curtailed my distractive behaviors with less effort. Ahhh, it was nice to experience the peace and well-being that a short term shift can bring. Yeah, it was short all right… about a whopping five days.
I knew that change involves cycles of repetition of ups and downs, so I just tried to enjoy the ride while it lasted. Then, as the universe does – and we manifest – the reality checks started rolling in. Peace gave way to disruption which led to pain, deep release, mild conflict, and healing which brought me back to peace again. My life may look tame from the outside, but I can quickly pack in a lot on the inside! One thing I can count on is that healing will bring grace even in the midst of suffering.
As I attempt to integrate the experiences of the last couple of weeks, I find myself in familiar territory: It’s time to try something new. Then, the usual questions start floating in: What? How? When? Where? And, where is the desire for external change originating from – ego or soul?
As I try to move on with my process and life, I am reminded of how often I have been here before. So I wonder: Will my life really change this time? Or, will this be another trigger for deepening trust and self-reliance while my lifestyle remains the same?
There are many aspects to my life that were “unplanned.” Moving around so much and the isolation that can bring is a big one. It was never my intention – consciously anyway – to create the life I lead, yet I have to honor it regardless. Don’t get me wrong, I lead a graceful life that is a huge gift. But, evolution is a process that I fully embrace as internally driven, so my social interactions can be limited.
So often, it’s when we finally let go of expectations and desires that opportunity knocks. It can be a fine line between setting a goal and taking action to realize something verses accepting where we are and letting prospects unfold. However, if we open and take a moment to see what’s out there, synchronicity can provide a doorway to something new.
It’s funny, although not surprising, that my first reaction to seeing a potential door opening was anxiety. Our egos and neuroses will always be here to humble us. As I relaxed into meditation, I realized those reactions were mainly superficial and that underneath was calm acceptance. No expectations and none of the usual grasping in order to reduce perceived risk of rejection. I was simply opening to a new experience without attaching anything to the “results” or outcome. The ego thoughts still come and go, but they aren’t the strongest voice I hear.
I have no idea how my life will unfold, but I can take solace in the awareness that I am not who I was a year ago or many years ago. I am more open, balanced, and at peace. I hope that I can use this awareness as a gentle reminder that a life theme doesn’t necessarily have to carry on for an entire lifetime. Maybe mine will. I’m ok with that too. I nurture acceptance of knowing that my life may not make sense to myself or others in a comfortable manner. In the meantime, I try to act with faith and hope that my story can change because I am growing, expanding my awareness, and healing. Who knows, maybe this time, or someday in the future, my lifestyle will make sense to me. I’m not holding my breath for that. Instead, I will simply try something new and see what reveals itself.
May you find healing and the courage to try something new.