It’s been an interesting month. I took on a major project that turned out to be way more challenging than I anticipated. What I thought would take about five days took over three weeks. But, here it is, my new website!
Normally, I wouldn’t think about writing a blog relating to creating a website. And, I still don’t. But, the process was interesting to me from a spiritual and emotional perspective. It was like a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Initially, every time I tried to move forward, I was met with obstacles and dead ends. I wondered why I was even bothering to have a blog and website at all (I’m still not sure about that). Still, I pushed on.
The process is a good example of how we frequently have to tear down or let go of something before we can move forward. The new host service tried to migrate the old site over to their servers. It didn’t work, so I had to start from scratch. Then, it took me days to get everything off of the pages that I didn’t want before I could even think of adding content.
As I struggled, I openly acknowledged that it was “just a website.” What I mean by that is that I was fully aware that this wasn’t some major life event of significant importance. In other words, I had perspective of the larger picture. That said, the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience was not lost with me. So, here are some things that I learned along the way. I admit that I was surprised by a lot of it!
Initially, I was caught off guard by how much karmic and emotional baggage got triggered. I felt overwhelmed, alone, and pushed away by the process. This is not an uncommon theme for me. We may never fully understand why or what healing our soul is asking for in our lifetime, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still heal. I took the opportunity to try and do just that. I tried to observe the root pain – which obviously had nothing to do with creating a website – and let my soul into the experience. I tried to let my psyche be without imposing judgment for the feelings of inadequacy that I was experiencing. I tried to open to my vulnerabilities instead of pushing them away.
As I attempted to move forward without making actual headway, I kept marveling at how intense my reactivity could be. It’s funny, I have coped with equanimity and grace in the face of crisis often, yet there I was emotionally raw and vulnerable over my lack of technical ability. I knew I had the capacity to learn what I needed. I just couldn’t find the resources to guide me. Like a student with no teacher, I lacked guidance as I sought education. Just finding a book to use as a tutorial proved to be challenging. Nonetheless, if we stay open, help will present itself. My first glimmer of hope was a kind stranger in the book store pointing out a book that helped him. He continued to share his own success at doing exactly what I was attempting with very little knowledge. It was a huge gift and a wonderful validation that we are supported even in times when we feel alone.
So, I continued on. Eventually, after weeks – of what felt like trying to tear down a brick wall with an ice pick – I started to break through the barriers. I reached a turning point of making substantial headway and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I accomplished something that I did not think I was capable of. This led to another surprise: Elation!
I’m not one who tries to frame things as a success or failure, so I was caught off guard by how good pulling this off felt. Yipes I thought, could my self-esteem really be tied to succeeding? Not really. It was the process of moving through something that seemed so solid yet proved to be permeable. I had confidence in my ability to achieve what I wanted. I just didn’t have confidence in finding the help I needed to develop the skills required.
Many teachers and guides have said: The universe is here to support us. We are never alone. In spite of illusionary thinking to the contrary, and physical reality seeming to support illusions of isolation and lack of support, I have discovered once again, that I am not alone. My life manifests as my soul sees fit. I do not need to fully understand why. Sometimes, the best that I can do is to center in my constant faith and trust that healing will prevail if we allow it. Even in seemingly superficial situations, there are still opportunities to learn and grow. Healing is always present if we choose it.
© 2012 Sallie Odenthal