Finding My Own Voice…or not

It comes as no surprise to say that I frequently do not have interesting things to say or write about. Sometimes, writing feels more like a process of channeling (guides, soul, whatever) than my own creation. Other times, I struggle to find anything to say. The reality is that I don’t really need to say much of anything. What I long for is to create based on a sense of balance between action and inaction, gathering my energy, and surrendering to an inner process. Hopefully, the process of putting words to page will strengthen my soul’s voice.

Often, I struggle with allowing the illusion of having nothing to say overshadow my intuition and soul. Maybe it’s an aspect of my ego self that is trying to hold onto an outmoded way of being. Maybe it’s the non-beneficial intrusion of another (especially one who does not want me to find my voice), or even physical influences. Regardless, I’ve learned that energy can have many layers and be a complex thing. I’ve also learned that the more evasive and complex it seems, the more likely it is simply a diversionary tactic. What appears to have power is more likely the opposite.

I feel clouded with blandness. I seem to be floating in a bubble of blah. Stuck in neutral.

Maybe I’m “on the bubble.” Teetering between success (via action) and failure (via inaction) – even though I don’t tend to frame things in that manner. I struggle to balance as I attempt to evaluate the weight that is guiding me up and down. Frankly, I’d prefer to get off the ride.

I never liked the teeter totter. I preferred the swing where I could soar with the effort of my own legs.

I try to stay loyal to myself. I set my intention and try to hold my course. I open to being mindful. I surrender to letting go of anything but observation.

Fall LeavesWhere is my inner voice, my soul’s voice in all this? Why am I allowing myself to remain with a sense of emptiness? To be honest, I really don’t know. I’m not feeling any particular emotion that I can track to a source or healing. I am inspired and motivated by the beauty of fall colors and sunshine (a rare treat for us in the Pacific Northwest). Yet somehow I feel a disconnect from the source energy that flows into manifestation.

Maybe emptiness is a key. Guess that depends if it’s centered in vastness and possibility verses a void. I must admit, that seems silly. I don’t think we are ever void of creativity and all that is. Maybe I’m opening in an unfamiliar manner that has yet to take a recognizable form. I do try to be optimistic, smile.

All I can do now is surrender. Don’t get me wrong, I do not mean give up. Surrender to me means that I allow for grace to unfold in the presence of the unfamiliar, unknown, and possibly unwanted influences.

What’s this blog really about? Not much. It’s just another example of some of the challenges of the creative process. This is my attempt to strengthen my inner voice; let go of the blahs that can trick me into thinking I’m bored – or boring – when I’m not (although some may disagree) and mislead me to question whether I have a voice worth using. I know I do because we all do.

This is simply my attempt to break the sounds of silence by tracking a whisper.

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